Jesus knocked on our door when I was four years old. Not in the flesh, but His love and
light shone inside a young couple with a bible, a cake and a guitar. Joy filled our house, and
when they invited us to church, I couldn’t be stopped, “I want to go!”.
The next Sunday I stepped into whole new world– one full of hope. I met Jesus on a big,
blue flannel board. On the board was a giant black heart. When the teacher pulled away the
pieces, the most beautiful picture of Jesus was revealed with sparkling rays of light shining all
around him. That was the day I knew Jesus was the answer.
I was so excited! I knew I had the answer to everything that was broken in my family. I
came into the dining room, unable to contain my excitement. I tried to tell my family about
Jesus. Unfortunately, it was the first of many times I would be told to keep it to myself.
On Christmas Eve of 1985, I stood surrounded by candlelight with a hope I had never
experienced before. I was a 16 year old runaway staying with a school teacher, his wife, and their
two little girls. That night I was lavished with the love of Christ by the entire congregation of
their church. They had come together to make sure I had piles of gifts!
A few months later, I saw a miracle happen. A family who brought me to church that
Christmas Eve, invited me to become a member of their family. They answered a call and
through them, I saw the light of Jesus.
In my early 20’s, I herniated three discs in my back. Almost immediately, I began
abusing the opioids I was given to treat the pain. In short order I was addicted to morphine,
Valium and Flexeril. I had already battled anorexia and had been hospitalized a few times. I
traveled into all sorts of sin. Despite all God had done for me, addiction and old trauma left me
in such a dark place. At 29 years old, I didn’t want to live.
On October 10, 1998, at 1:00 am, I ran a red light, and T-boned four teens in a Chevy
Blazer. Fortunately, those four teenagers walked away. I wouldn’t walk again for months.
I laid in ICU immobilized by a halo. I fractured my neck at C2. My left lung collapsed
and I shattered my femur. My liver was lacerated as well as my right kidney. Things went down
hill from there.
I knew when they expected me to die. My biological family and the special parents God
had given me as a teen had all gathered around my bed at the same time.
I asked the one I trusted the most, “Am I going to die?” With love and honesty, he
said, “You might.” He asked me if I needed to take care of anything with God. With confidence,
I said “I am all good.” I knew my troubled past would not separate me from the God I gave my
life to. I wasn’t faithful, but yet I knew He always is!
I closed my eyes and let go of my life. I peered through the darkness, waiting to see the
light. I saw no light, just a wall. I knew God wasn’t going to let me leave. I was not relieved but
disappointed. Life had shared a fair amount of darkness with me and I had no hope.
Family and friends sat at my bedside day after day for months. My mom and dad
hummed hymns and prayed. A doctor came and played his guitar for me. I was showered with
love and light.
Two surgeons wrote the word “Miracle” in big letters on my chart. I heard reports of
angels in operating rooms, and everyone kept saying that God must have something really
important for me to do. I was so mad!
Leaving ICU, we discovered that I had suffered optic nerve damage when I broke my neck.
Things had literally gotten darker, and I felt more hopeless than ever. What could I possibly do
with my life now that I was barely walking, facing more surgeries, and was legally blind?
I remember the day I finally made it to my back steps. I parked the walker and sat down
with coffee in hand to have a stern talk with God. I looked at the grey sky and said out loud,
“What do you want from me? I was a mess before and you let me get crushed.” Hot tears were
rolling down my face, “They tell me you must have something important for me to do? What do
you want me to do?” Every fiber of my being heard Him say, “Just seek me.”
Fourteen years later, I graduated from Asbury Seminary and began my life as a United
Methodist minister. Every step of the way God has shone His light on me through the love of
others.
God invested so many of His people in me. I have been loved, guided, mentored and
corrected by amazing people who let God’s light shine through them.